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Beavers taking over world?

By Stephanie Gray

Nevertheless, I can’t help but think about something that was suggested to me recently and I wonder if it is more than just a coincidence given all this doomsday stuff: Are beavers plotting to take over the world? You may recall that a few weeks ago I was stumped for a column idea, so I posted a plea on Facebook. The beaver question was posted by my brother, and I think this is a fine time to explore it.

I mean, really. What is UP with beavers? They are SO busy!

Really? That’s your article? What’s up with beavers and all that chewing? No investigative query that demands your discerning attention other that that? Hey maybe it could be a whole series! What’s up with blackbirds and all that flying!? What’s up with Rabbits and all that hopping? What’s up with gophers and all that digging? You get the idea.

What’s up with columnists. They are SO lazy!

It’s not really the tree loss that might make one think this industrious mammal has a secret plan to take over the world – it’s the darned dams. Beavers are prolific builders. Some say the sound of trickling water stimulates their urge to build, and we all know there is a lot of trickling water in this world.

Oh, indeed, these busy critters have demonstrated time and again their affinity for creating their own infrastructure and disrupting ours. Their dams flood properties and wash out roads. They create disruption and stress.

What IS their end game, anyway?

Sheesh. Sometimes the parody just writes itself. Sometimes you don’t need my familiar sarcasm because the story sounds so ridiculous I can hear you coming up with your own. So I’ll just stand back and let the goodness flow.

I mean, once they obliterate the countryside and move into the cities, what is the point? Are they suddenly going to reveal themselves as ferocious carnivores that only ate foliage as a clever front?

Humans have fought back, for sure. Beavers have been eliminated from large parts of their original range thanks to trapping in the early 19th century. In fact, the quest for beaver pelts is credited for much of the early exploration of this continent. Arguably, if Europeans hadn’t had a love for beaver hats, the little rodent might have taken over this continent by now.

It is a humbling thought. What a watery world it might have been!

Aw, I’m just joshin’. I like beavers and I don’t think we are in imminent peril from them, although those teeth look kind of nasty and I know there was a story in this paper a few months back about a local guy bitten by a beaver.

Oh you big kidder! What a card! I like columnists too! Looking over the article about the man getting bitten by beavers I see that it was some walking beavers on the road that were beset by him and his friends dogs, and when he tried to protect the dogs, he got bitten. Funny thing, when animals are terrified for their lives and far away from safety, they can defend themselves. Look it up.

This article can only make sense with this picture.